, , ,

Word of warning about this post: I’m in a weird rambling mood and have a lot on my mind.

Autumn has arrived. Halloween is over and the slate is wiped clean.  What I mean by that is I’ve erased all the sketches on my white boards at work. People have asked me to draw something Thanksgiving-ish, but I don’t like that holiday. I’ll come up with something.

Along with my recent health issues, there have been several other things going on with my family that have caused some stress. As a result, I’ve been having nightmares. One nightmare was where both Cara and Kaitlyn died in car crash. This was a particularly awful nightmare and it left me emotionally fragile and grumpy at work the next morning. Then later that same morning (yesterday) I found out my half-sister Phyllis Ann passed away.  This hardly feels real.

I don’t know her exact age, but she was somewhere in her late 70’s and had recently been diagnosed with dementia. I wasn’t close to her, in fact the first and only time we ever met was here in Southern California. It had been a wonderful day where I sat with her and her husband Dave at a teahouse near Carlsbad and tried to catch up on life. She was born to my father and his first wife. He was always fond of her and proud of her accomplishments. He kept in contact with her and her husband Dave, even though they had moved to New Jersey eons ago. Prior to retirement, they ran a successful business creating media for corporations and managing talent, and Dave was himself an actor. He is still a member of the guild I believe. It saddens me deeply that we were never close, but I will always cherish what memories I have of her. It also saddens me that I may end up being flat on my back, recovering from surgery, instead of traveling for her funeral services. Speaking of, I am learning that Dave himself is in very poor health and so there may be only a quiet service or none at all.

I am officially now just a few days away from surgery and I have to say I did pretty much everything I could think of to get out of it. The GP ordered the CA125 test, which thankfully came out negative. I had a very enlightening pre-op appointment with the OB-GYN, who insisted politely that I was “menopausal.” Honestly, I couldn’t say I had experienced a lot of symptoms. You know I had some night sweats a few years ago and some leg/foot/toe cramps, right? My hair and skin is dryer than it used to be. Is that it? Is that the big sum of it? I watched a co-worker suffer through intense hot flashes. While I was cursed with horrid monthly cycles and anemia the majority of my teenage/adult life, I think I got off easy in menopause. I still didn’t quite believe the doctor, because the big overarching question remained: why are my menopausal ovaries making cysts? We had a lengthy discussion about that and came to an interesting new conclusion regarding the mysterious right-sided pain symptoms: I must have had a cyst on the right ovary that had ruptured, BUT by the time I had the ultrasound done all of the fluid had been absorbed by my body, and thus there was no trace of it in the scans. Regardless, just to be sure, he ran the blood test to evaluate the exact state of menopause. The test results say I am 100% post-menopausal. Well, because there is a cyst, one that could rupture, or torse the ovary, or hide malignant cells, I definitely need the surgery.  Sucks, but there you are.

All of these past couple months, the idea of death in some form has been thrust into the spotlight. Two of my brothers have suffered ill health and have brushed close to their own deaths. Then the scary dreams, and now my sister is gone. It’s really brought home to me how little time we have in this existence. Life is fleeting. I literally wrote that on my white board Tuesday after I erased all the art.

What do people know of me? What would they say about me after I’m gone? Only a handful, I think, really know me deeply. I’ve always wanted my readers to be curious about not just the topics I write about, but who I am. Not once in nearly 10 years of this blog’s history has anyone asked why I named it Caffe M~Path. Today I will pretend you asked.

It started as an outlet for thoughts rattling around in my head and my desire for an online presence. I wanted the blog to be comforting, so designed it to resemble a coffee shop. I imagined my favorite coffees on the menu, a table that was either secluded in the back for private conversations or one seated in the sun. The blog’s atmosphere is a vague mix of metaphors: classic Italian names, British literature, and a few flavors of Australia. Possibly even more obscure is the word M~Path. I used the math symbol ~ which means “approximate to.” M refers to two things, one of which is M Theory, which is a string theory in quantum physics. Path refers to another physics term, “path length”.  The other side of the coin is M~Path is another way to say “empath.” Before I launch into an explanation for that, read This Link on quantum entanglement and string theory.  Quantum physics is easier to accept than “empath.” There is a difference between having or feeling empathy and being what is known as an empath. Are you up to more reading? Check This Link.  I liken being an empath to having empathy on steroids. I can’t say with any certainty that I am an empath, but I can say this: I have an unfortunate ability to suffer pain when I either know a person is hurt or hurting, or even at the idea of them hurting. I feel pain. It isn’t pain in the same place as theirs, or what is called mirror touch. It happens in certain parts of my body regardless of where their pain is located. If I am very emotionally close to a person, then I can often feel them from a distance. Our thoughts can be in sync. Sometimes my moods are affected by the mood of random people around me. This is particularly annoying at work if a co-worker is feeling panic. I don’t handle someone else’s panic very well. I have to shut myself off from feeling their panic. My only explanation for that is to think of quantum entanglement, and that may or may not be accurate, but I find comfort in thinking it is.

So there you are. The story of Caffe M~Path, a little bit of backstory on me, and if you clicked the links you learned something new.. maybe.